Living Life. :)

It's been 8 months of life since my last post below... how time flies!! So much has happened and so much learning... how to bring this blog up to the present?

Contemplation. Thought. Emotion. Reaction. Action. The stuff of life that makes the world real around us. The forces both external and internal that shape our perception of what is possible and improbable. Some say this life is a dream or a vapor and that reality is just the construct of our minds. What we believe about the world and people around us directly affects the way we deal with this thing called life. Our beliefs are reinforced by experience.  So what have I been upto?

Friendsip, & Love, Work, and Derby in the mix. Trips with Plane rides, scooter rides, what keep I re-realizing  is that if I don't write things down I loose the memories...

In the area of frendship and love ...Last September through the beginning January of this year I was dating a friend (who I admire very much)  who through out the year and a half we shared life, made me think and helped me enjoy life. She helped me uncover some of the suff about myself that I didn't want to address or deal with. I am still working on those things and though our paths diverged I can say that I know we are both  better people for all we shared.

I didn't write here because I was too preocupied and caught up in living! and maybe I was a little lazy to keep up writing... ;)

I'm the type that only slows down when my body tires out and so today I'm in bed since my body has told me the last two days to take it easy. While my body rests my mind and thoughts contemplate back over my expriences that have brought me to this point.

in the area of work...Since the begining of the year, work has begun to shift and some of the priorties and desires I have had for the job I have are starting tto take place. I have a new boss that believes in me and what I'm capable of.  I'm stretching myself and looking forward to this new year. More schooling is part of the eqation and next week I take the national certification exam for Certification in Volunteer Administration after which I will submit a portfolio of my work.

Part of that work is assembling a cross-funtional team made up of board members, staff and volunteers to look at our volunteer programs from the ground up. Tomorrow we will be meeting for the first time to craft a philosphy statment about volunteers within our organization.  I am really excited about it and the possibilities for our team and the impact they will have on our organization as a whole.

In the area of Derby... Roller Derby that is...It's kept me sane and been so fun! I know I've mentioned this before but... when I'm on my skates in the middle or on the outside of the action at a bout... or just skating for fun, that is when I am most at peace and at ease with my place in the world.  This weekend is another upcoming double header. If you are local come check it out at the colorado Springs City Auditorium if not so close than you can watch online ... http://www.coloradosports.tv/  on Saturday June 19th 6pm-9pm Mountain Time.

I recently returned from a trip to PA  to celebrate the life time of love of my grandparent's. It was their 60th wedding anniversary and my grandmother's 80th birthday party... what fun it was and a reminder of how much family means to me. and  to quote my Oma "You don't get to age 80 by holding back!"

with tthe mix of friendship & love, work and fun... my life continues to be a journey that is teaching me what it means to life it to the fullest... one of those lessons over and over again is that we can't live life to the fullest alone... so if you are feeling that way please share your story with me.

Sept. 11 Today I remember Thaddeus and Jonathan

September 11th 1996 and 2001 have made today a coincidental matching mile stone and memorial date for me and my family.

10 & 15 years ago... How the years and the stretch of time have shaped my memories of the departures of my older brother Thaddeus and my Uncle Jonathan from my life.

I take time to celebrate them as best I can today. Yet time and space have pushed them in to the mists of family lore.  I remember them as the idealized versions of who they really were. From the pictures  they are forever as they were, kind, generous, quirky, filled with a zest for life.  My mind mixes actual memories with what I have imagined of them in the time since they have been gone. 

I'm sure today I'll call up my parents and grand parents and siblings and we will reminisce and we will cherish the memories and add to the lore of my brother and uncle's lives in the natural course recalling how their lives touched our own.

After all, isn't life, this journey, the sum of it all in the people that touch us and who we touch; in who we connect or disconnect with?

In my daily life I subconsciously feel Thad and Jon and their impact on me; Thad more than Jon. Thad and I were the two at the beginning of the Randall Ring family clan of 10 siblings. Just 18 months apart in age, we spent much time as youngsters doing what brothers do, (getting into mischief with and fighting each other). I idolized my older brother even when we were kids, he was always breaking new ground, he never did follow the crowd of kids around him. I think he is one of the reasons I march to the beat of my own drummer and enjoy it. From both Thad and Jon I am reminded that life is too short to always be conventional. The memory I have of them makes me want to live life to the fullest!

So who were these two guys the ones I remember today?  Just two regular guys who went about their lives as best they could and who never fully knew how much their living and dying would touch me as I live the joy and mess that is my own life.

Thaddeus Randall Ring and Jonathan Randall you both live in my head and heart. Thanks for being part of my life.
Date Etched in Memory September 11

Hold Me

My younger brother Hiram is a singer/songwriter who has a real gift for illuminationg life and it's longing through melody and harmony. His current song "HOLD ME" has touched me deeply because I have felt that of which Hiram sings. For it has been the cry of my heart to.

Learning to love

I've lived and loved and lost... and learned to love again and lost again. So spins the wheel of life. When I feel like I have a handle on life it boxes my ears and tells me to pay attention.

In the months that have passed since I last put my hands to the keyboard to leave a note here, I can see that I've been a fool.

I have all these great theories of life and how it is supposed to work. Yet when lady love bid me grab her hand and join her feast, I, like the fool who spouts his false wisdom, blocked my heart from her invitation and made silly arguments as to why I could not clasp the hand at her side. When I realized my folly and sought her out, the moment had passed and lady love had already caught the hand of another.

At least I have realized what I really want. And Yes it is love. To love and be loved.

Not the the love of a fleeting moment of passion, but love that grows... from learning from one another and sharing life together. From friendship and trust, from laughter and sorrow, mistakes and triumphs.

This is my broken heart continually mending, distinguishing the light from the darkness along the way.

Tyrone Wells express how I feel in the song "All Broken Hearts" posted below

Life from the Unseen

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

by Marianne Williamson

This is one of my favorie quotes and makes me contemplate the life that we live. How much time and attention do we give to that part of our experience and surroundings that are unseen? How much credence do we give to the immaterial? There seems to be an interesting relationship between the physical/tangible and the world that our eyes do not see visibly.

What is manifested and created begins as an idea -that which is immaterial. Our minds play a huge part in creating the road of our experience. And I'm realizing how important rest and nourishment are to my brain and the inner perspective from which my whole life flows.

What does it mean to be connected to the source of life? To be energized and filled with peace, happiness and joy? How does one accomplish this state? And can that state be continually be lived from? In moments of meditation I find myself there. When I consciously focus and let go of the concerns of the day I feel this connection to the source of life that keeps my mind and heart and breath flowing. I am continually reminded what a big part my outlook on life affects my experience. Emotion colors everything. If I am positive and hopeful and confident then I am more willing to take a chance. If I'm feeling low or fearful or insecure than I tend to make decisions that make me more cautious. I find this all so fascinating. Most of the time the determining factor in a decision to take a particular course of action rest on my belief and feeling about it's outcome even though the outcome has at that point not been realized.

So life really comes down to what we imagine & make of it. We chose a physical paths from the internal unseen part of us and gather resources and create the lives we want. We may stumble and fall short time and again but we will always live up to the quality of life that we believe we deserve.

What do you fundamentally believe you deserve in this life? What do you dream and imagine your life to be? Whatever they are you will subconsciously work at fulfilling.

I dream of things that others think are unrealistic. Of course everything is unrealistic untill it comes into being. Besides there is no harm in charting a course that is audacious! :)

A visitor & a dear friend.

As I sit here staring at the screen watching absentmindedly as my fingers dance on the keyboard, all I can think about is the impact of my knowing you. My world changed with a longing look and then again with a touch, a non verbal cue, and an ear that hears what it thinks is a spoken yes or a no. Even with you absent my world turns inside out... A hardened heart, exterior of brick reinforced with steel, a fortress forged in the fires of pain and loss protect the tiny boat afloat on the sea of joy and serenity that is hidden deep inside. I did not expect a visitor there, at the edge of my hidden sea, calling for me. What? How did you penetrate my defenses? After the last companion abandoned me with tattered sail & rudderless till, I took on water and almost drowned. There is and will not be room for two I vowed. I repaired my sail, affixed a new rudder, mended the leaks and set sail again awash in the joy of a new beginning. One bright day I looked and there you were sailing on your own boat towards me on my hidden sea! From afar my eyes beheld you and I heard your voice, but still I wonder...are you real? By what magic did you penetrated my defenses and posted guards at my heart's fortress walls? As we drew closer I pulled up beside your beautiful craft. I could see that it was a more petite and beautiful version of my own. We sailed a while together and then parted ways and spoke those words often spoken (by those that make light of departing, yet know its sorrow) "This isn't goodbye, it's just see you later" I still recall our meeting and marvel at the change you caused in me. Your vitality has made me venture out of safer waters and you have shown me that there is indeed room in this boat for more than just me, despite all my protesting. You are to me now a dear friend even as you chart your own course and have your own adventures, you are always welcome inside the fortress of my heart with guard that protects the open sea to the real me that remains hidden deep within me.

thoughts for today

May my heart always stay open to learn and grow. To love with wisdom and to see the best in myself and others around me. To work diligently towards my goals with a passion for life that will not be quenched by disappointment, failing or any other obstacle.

To take the challenges set before me and follow through with Character, Honor and Integrity.

one of the questions I've been contemplating heavily today is the push and pull of my internal desires vs my external realities, that is where real life is lived. It is in the choices we make at those big and seemingly insignificant moments make up who we are and show who I am.

I want my words not to just be words but to be backed up with action and that means holding to the words i've already spoken.

there is SO much more to say... but i will leave that for tomorrow.
Sleep is closing in on my tired body, derby kicked my rear tonight. I still find it feeds the inner part of me.