Sept. 11 Today I remember Thaddeus and Jonathan

September 11th 1996 and 2001 have made today a coincidental matching mile stone and memorial date for me and my family.

10 & 15 years ago... How the years and the stretch of time have shaped my memories of the departures of my older brother Thaddeus and my Uncle Jonathan from my life.

I take time to celebrate them as best I can today. Yet time and space have pushed them in to the mists of family lore.  I remember them as the idealized versions of who they really were. From the pictures  they are forever as they were, kind, generous, quirky, filled with a zest for life.  My mind mixes actual memories with what I have imagined of them in the time since they have been gone. 

I'm sure today I'll call up my parents and grand parents and siblings and we will reminisce and we will cherish the memories and add to the lore of my brother and uncle's lives in the natural course recalling how their lives touched our own.

After all, isn't life, this journey, the sum of it all in the people that touch us and who we touch; in who we connect or disconnect with?

In my daily life I subconsciously feel Thad and Jon and their impact on me; Thad more than Jon. Thad and I were the two at the beginning of the Randall Ring family clan of 10 siblings. Just 18 months apart in age, we spent much time as youngsters doing what brothers do, (getting into mischief with and fighting each other). I idolized my older brother even when we were kids, he was always breaking new ground, he never did follow the crowd of kids around him. I think he is one of the reasons I march to the beat of my own drummer and enjoy it. From both Thad and Jon I am reminded that life is too short to always be conventional. The memory I have of them makes me want to live life to the fullest!

So who were these two guys the ones I remember today?  Just two regular guys who went about their lives as best they could and who never fully knew how much their living and dying would touch me as I live the joy and mess that is my own life.

Thaddeus Randall Ring and Jonathan Randall you both live in my head and heart. Thanks for being part of my life.
Date Etched in Memory September 11

Hold Me

My younger brother Hiram is a singer/songwriter who has a real gift for illuminationg life and it's longing through melody and harmony. His current song "HOLD ME" has touched me deeply because I have felt that of which Hiram sings. For it has been the cry of my heart to.

Learning to love

I've lived and loved and lost... and learned to love again and lost again. So spins the wheel of life. When I feel like I have a handle on life it boxes my ears and tells me to pay attention.

In the months that have passed since I last put my hands to the keyboard to leave a note here, I can see that I've been a fool.

I have all these great theories of life and how it is supposed to work. Yet when lady love bid me grab her hand and join her feast, I, like the fool who spouts his false wisdom, blocked my heart from her invitation and made silly arguments as to why I could not clasp the hand at her side. When I realized my folly and sought her out, the moment had passed and lady love had already caught the hand of another.

At least I have realized what I really want. And Yes it is love. To love and be loved.

Not the the love of a fleeting moment of passion, but love that grows... from learning from one another and sharing life together. From friendship and trust, from laughter and sorrow, mistakes and triumphs.

This is my broken heart continually mending, distinguishing the light from the darkness along the way.

Tyrone Wells express how I feel in the song "All Broken Hearts" posted below

Life from the Unseen

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

by Marianne Williamson

This is one of my favorie quotes and makes me contemplate the life that we live. How much time and attention do we give to that part of our experience and surroundings that are unseen? How much credence do we give to the immaterial? There seems to be an interesting relationship between the physical/tangible and the world that our eyes do not see visibly.

What is manifested and created begins as an idea -that which is immaterial. Our minds play a huge part in creating the road of our experience. And I'm realizing how important rest and nourishment are to my brain and the inner perspective from which my whole life flows.

What does it mean to be connected to the source of life? To be energized and filled with peace, happiness and joy? How does one accomplish this state? And can that state be continually be lived from? In moments of meditation I find myself there. When I consciously focus and let go of the concerns of the day I feel this connection to the source of life that keeps my mind and heart and breath flowing. I am continually reminded what a big part my outlook on life affects my experience. Emotion colors everything. If I am positive and hopeful and confident then I am more willing to take a chance. If I'm feeling low or fearful or insecure than I tend to make decisions that make me more cautious. I find this all so fascinating. Most of the time the determining factor in a decision to take a particular course of action rest on my belief and feeling about it's outcome even though the outcome has at that point not been realized.

So life really comes down to what we imagine & make of it. We chose a physical paths from the internal unseen part of us and gather resources and create the lives we want. We may stumble and fall short time and again but we will always live up to the quality of life that we believe we deserve.

What do you fundamentally believe you deserve in this life? What do you dream and imagine your life to be? Whatever they are you will subconsciously work at fulfilling.

I dream of things that others think are unrealistic. Of course everything is unrealistic untill it comes into being. Besides there is no harm in charting a course that is audacious! :)

A visitor & a dear friend.

As I sit here staring at the screen watching absentmindedly as my fingers dance on the keyboard, all I can think about is the impact of my knowing you. My world changed with a longing look and then again with a touch, a non verbal cue, and an ear that hears what it thinks is a spoken yes or a no. Even with you absent my world turns inside out... A hardened heart, exterior of brick reinforced with steel, a fortress forged in the fires of pain and loss protect the tiny boat afloat on the sea of joy and serenity that is hidden deep inside. I did not expect a visitor there, at the edge of my hidden sea, calling for me. What? How did you penetrate my defenses? After the last companion abandoned me with tattered sail & rudderless till, I took on water and almost drowned. There is and will not be room for two I vowed. I repaired my sail, affixed a new rudder, mended the leaks and set sail again awash in the joy of a new beginning. One bright day I looked and there you were sailing on your own boat towards me on my hidden sea! From afar my eyes beheld you and I heard your voice, but still I wonder...are you real? By what magic did you penetrated my defenses and posted guards at my heart's fortress walls? As we drew closer I pulled up beside your beautiful craft. I could see that it was a more petite and beautiful version of my own. We sailed a while together and then parted ways and spoke those words often spoken (by those that make light of departing, yet know its sorrow) "This isn't goodbye, it's just see you later" I still recall our meeting and marvel at the change you caused in me. Your vitality has made me venture out of safer waters and you have shown me that there is indeed room in this boat for more than just me, despite all my protesting. You are to me now a dear friend even as you chart your own course and have your own adventures, you are always welcome inside the fortress of my heart with guard that protects the open sea to the real me that remains hidden deep within me.

thoughts for today

May my heart always stay open to learn and grow. To love with wisdom and to see the best in myself and others around me. To work diligently towards my goals with a passion for life that will not be quenched by disappointment, failing or any other obstacle.

To take the challenges set before me and follow through with Character, Honor and Integrity.

one of the questions I've been contemplating heavily today is the push and pull of my internal desires vs my external realities, that is where real life is lived. It is in the choices we make at those big and seemingly insignificant moments make up who we are and show who I am.

I want my words not to just be words but to be backed up with action and that means holding to the words i've already spoken.

there is SO much more to say... but i will leave that for tomorrow.
Sleep is closing in on my tired body, derby kicked my rear tonight. I still find it feeds the inner part of me.

A date etched in Memory September 11

The ache of sorrow in my breast,
The hurt that gnaws deep at my chest.

I must confess...

I feel like nothing is made right
Oh where, oh where is the light

Here I stand again it seems
Taken back to horrors dreams

O death you wheeled your power free
Yet I look for life found upon the Tree

Still my heart will feel the sting
And miss our loved ones set free to sing

Our lives entwined there too short a duration,
I trust, will one day be rejoined in joyous celebration!

All tears and fears will be washed away,
As we sit together on that happy day.

Yet now as I say my last goodbyes
I must confess...I still feel....

The ache of sorrow in my breast,
The hurt that gnaws deep at my chest.

--- Isaac Ring, 2010


I wrote this poem earlier this year when I heard the news of my Aunt Penny's passing after a hard fought battle with cancer. It still captures a good portion of my emotion regarding the death of my older brother Thaddeus and my Uncle Jonathan in separate instances on this anniversary September 11 date. (Thad in 1996 as a result of mental illness and Jonathan in the destruction of NYC Twin Towers in 2001)

As each year passes, time has given me the blessing of mellowing the hurt and seeing their lives though the prism of the joys and sorrows of knowing and loving them in life and death.

I still struggle with belief and faith and I can't say that I know for certain I'll see them again as much as I want to.

This year I decided to honor Thaddeus by permanently carrying on my arm an art piece that reminds me of happier childhood days him and I spent together as roommates and close friends & brothers... before his struggle with mental illness that ended up taking his life.

The lion with the scrolls was one of his first skateboard designs when he was in his early teens. Thad had an enthusiasm & passion for life that was contagious when one got to know him. The message in the scroll was his perspective on his faith in God and his approach to life.

The message still speaks to me and challenges me to embrace life and live life to the fullest in all its messiness!

On this anniversary I'm reminded to cherish and learn from each of the relationships I have/had in my life, and to keep connected to loved ones.

Living a full and complete life is messy with heartache & joy, thirst & satisfaction and disappointment & fulfillment, as we connect with each other and those around us in this quest of life.