“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
by Marianne Williamson
This is one of my favorie quotes and makes me contemplate the life that we live. How much time and attention do we give to that part of our experience and surroundings that are unseen? How much credence do we give to the immaterial? There seems to be an interesting relationship between the physical/tangible and the world that our eyes do not see visibly.
What is manifested and created begins as an idea -that which is immaterial. Our minds play a huge part in creating the road of our experience. And I'm realizing how important rest and nourishment are to my brain and the inner perspective from which my whole life flows.
What does it mean to be connected to the source of life? To be energized and filled with peace, happiness and joy? How does one accomplish this state? And can that state be continually be lived from? In moments of meditation I find myself there. When I consciously focus and let go of the concerns of the day I feel this connection to the source of life that keeps my mind and heart and breath flowing. I am continually reminded what a big part my outlook on life affects my experience. Emotion colors everything. If I am positive and hopeful and confident then I am more willing to take a chance. If I'm feeling low or fearful or insecure than I tend to make decisions that make me more cautious. I find this all so fascinating. Most of the time the determining factor in a decision to take a particular course of action rest on my belief and feeling about it's outcome even though the outcome has at that point not been realized.
So life really comes down to what we imagine & make of it. We chose a physical paths from the internal unseen part of us and gather resources and create the lives we want. We may stumble and fall short time and again but we will always live up to the quality of life that we believe we deserve.
What do you fundamentally believe you deserve in this life? What do you dream and imagine your life to be? Whatever they are you will subconsciously work at fulfilling.
I dream of things that others think are unrealistic. Of course everything is unrealistic untill it comes into being. Besides there is no harm in charting a course that is audacious! :)
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A visitor & a dear friend.
As I sit here staring at the screen watching absentmindedly as my fingers dance on the keyboard, all I can think about is the impact of my knowing you. My world changed with a longing look and then again with a touch, a non verbal cue, and an ear that hears what it thinks is a spoken yes or a no. Even with you absent my world turns inside out... A hardened heart, exterior of brick reinforced with steel, a fortress forged in the fires of pain and loss protect the tiny boat afloat on the sea of joy and serenity that is hidden deep inside. I did not expect a visitor there, at the edge of my hidden sea, calling for me. What? How did you penetrate my defenses? After the last companion abandoned me with tattered sail & rudderless till, I took on water and almost drowned. There is and will not be room for two I vowed. I repaired my sail, affixed a new rudder, mended the leaks and set sail again awash in the joy of a new beginning. One bright day I looked and there you were sailing on your own boat towards me on my hidden sea! From afar my eyes beheld you and I heard your voice, but still I wonder...are you real? By what magic did you penetrated my defenses and posted guards at my heart's fortress walls? As we drew closer I pulled up beside your beautiful craft. I could see that it was a more petite and beautiful version of my own. We sailed a while together and then parted ways and spoke those words often spoken (by those that make light of departing, yet know its sorrow) "This isn't goodbye, it's just see you later" I still recall our meeting and marvel at the change you caused in me. Your vitality has made me venture out of safer waters and you have shown me that there is indeed room in this boat for more than just me, despite all my protesting. You are to me now a dear friend even as you chart your own course and have your own adventures, you are always welcome inside the fortress of my heart with guard that protects the open sea to the real me that remains hidden deep within me.
Monday, September 13, 2010
thoughts for today
May my heart always stay open to learn and grow. To love with wisdom and to see the best in myself and others around me. To work diligently towards my goals with a passion for life that will not be quenched by disappointment, failing or any other obstacle.
To take the challenges set before me and follow through with Character, Honor and Integrity.
one of the questions I've been contemplating heavily today is the push and pull of my internal desires vs my external realities, that is where real life is lived. It is in the choices we make at those big and seemingly insignificant moments make up who we are and show who I am.
I want my words not to just be words but to be backed up with action and that means holding to the words i've already spoken.
there is SO much more to say... but i will leave that for tomorrow.
Sleep is closing in on my tired body, derby kicked my rear tonight. I still find it feeds the inner part of me.
To take the challenges set before me and follow through with Character, Honor and Integrity.
one of the questions I've been contemplating heavily today is the push and pull of my internal desires vs my external realities, that is where real life is lived. It is in the choices we make at those big and seemingly insignificant moments make up who we are and show who I am.
I want my words not to just be words but to be backed up with action and that means holding to the words i've already spoken.
there is SO much more to say... but i will leave that for tomorrow.
Sleep is closing in on my tired body, derby kicked my rear tonight. I still find it feeds the inner part of me.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A date etched in Memory September 11
The ache of sorrow in my breast,
The hurt that gnaws deep at my chest.
I must confess...
I feel like nothing is made right
Oh where, oh where is the light
Here I stand again it seems
Taken back to horrors dreams
O death you wheeled your power free
Yet I look for life found upon the Tree
Still my heart will feel the sting
And miss our loved ones set free to sing
Our lives entwined there too short a duration,
I trust, will one day be rejoined in joyous celebration!
All tears and fears will be washed away,
As we sit together on that happy day.
Yet now as I say my last goodbyes
I must confess...I still feel....
The ache of sorrow in my breast,
The hurt that gnaws deep at my chest.
--- Isaac Ring, 2010
I wrote this poem earlier this year when I heard the news of my Aunt Penny's passing after a hard fought battle with cancer. It still captures a good portion of my emotion regarding the death of my older brother Thaddeus and my Uncle Jonathan in separate instances on this anniversary September 11 date. (Thad in 1996 as a result of mental illness and Jonathan in the destruction of NYC Twin Towers in 2001)
As each year passes, time has given me the blessing of mellowing the hurt and seeing their lives though the prism of the joys and sorrows of knowing and loving them in life and death.
I still struggle with belief and faith and I can't say that I know for certain I'll see them again as much as I want to.
This year I decided to honor Thaddeus by permanently carrying on my arm an art piece that reminds me of happier childhood days him and I spent together as roommates and close friends & brothers... before his struggle with mental illness that ended up taking his life.
The lion with the scrolls was one of his first skateboard designs when he was in his early teens. Thad had an enthusiasm & passion for life that was contagious when one got to know him. The message in the scroll was his perspective on his faith in God and his approach to life.
The message still speaks to me and challenges me to embrace life and live life to the fullest in all its messiness!
On this anniversary I'm reminded to cherish and learn from each of the relationships I have/had in my life, and to keep connected to loved ones.
Living a full and complete life is messy with heartache & joy, thirst & satisfaction and disappointment & fulfillment, as we connect with each other and those around us in this quest of life.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
In this Pursuit
To me a Muse is: That someone who stirs you to your depth of soul, awakens what as been dormant or sleeping within your heart and mind. One who stokes your passion for life and the creativity of the Divine that resides in you.
All the great people had someone that did this for them.
Will it happen to me? And how will I react?
Aren't love and passion strange things? It strikes when you least expect it, with whom you have just met or with whom you may have known for years and you have just "seen" for the first time.
The heart of the matter is so strange and fascinating. It is life, this unpredictable experience we call life. And I have realized that I must trust what it is meant to be. Yet I am not the casual observer. I take what life gives me and make the life I desire.
To desire someone, an incredible human being who makes me believe that the impossible is possible, who has touched a part of me I believed dead. Yet what happens if present circumstances indicate that I can't have her in my life as I desire?
And It has been said that if you love someone set them free, if they return of their own will and desire then they loved you in return. If they fly and don't return then love was not the foundation but something else. In matters of the heart we ultimately show our true selves and desires through our actions. And time will be the judge. I want someone that wants me for me and vice-versa, a companion to share my journey of life discovery and for me to share in hers. Will I let her go? Yes. Will I want her to return to me? Yes. But if she doesn't, what then?
I will love her as she goes, and will cherish and honor her wishes. I will not rashly speculate on the outcomes.
I am committed to pursuing an amazing life. In this pursuit, this journey of mine, I'll one day glance up and recognized an amazing woman that has walked into my life. All I'll know is that she will have awakened and taken me farther along on my journey to discovering a full life because she has walked some with me and for this I will be extremely thankful. Will I like the chance to share more of the journey with her? Exploring where life might take us together? You bet!
Yes my muse... I know you are out there!
All the great people had someone that did this for them.
Will it happen to me? And how will I react?
Aren't love and passion strange things? It strikes when you least expect it, with whom you have just met or with whom you may have known for years and you have just "seen" for the first time.
The heart of the matter is so strange and fascinating. It is life, this unpredictable experience we call life. And I have realized that I must trust what it is meant to be. Yet I am not the casual observer. I take what life gives me and make the life I desire.
To desire someone, an incredible human being who makes me believe that the impossible is possible, who has touched a part of me I believed dead. Yet what happens if present circumstances indicate that I can't have her in my life as I desire?
And It has been said that if you love someone set them free, if they return of their own will and desire then they loved you in return. If they fly and don't return then love was not the foundation but something else. In matters of the heart we ultimately show our true selves and desires through our actions. And time will be the judge. I want someone that wants me for me and vice-versa, a companion to share my journey of life discovery and for me to share in hers. Will I let her go? Yes. Will I want her to return to me? Yes. But if she doesn't, what then?
I will love her as she goes, and will cherish and honor her wishes. I will not rashly speculate on the outcomes.
I am committed to pursuing an amazing life. In this pursuit, this journey of mine, I'll one day glance up and recognized an amazing woman that has walked into my life. All I'll know is that she will have awakened and taken me farther along on my journey to discovering a full life because she has walked some with me and for this I will be extremely thankful. Will I like the chance to share more of the journey with her? Exploring where life might take us together? You bet!
Yes my muse... I know you are out there!
Friday, July 30, 2010
The Return Home
WOW! What a reunion it was! It was the BEST long weekend I've had in quite a few years. and all my worries were for naught.
What made it soo good you might ask?
It was like being with a closely knit extra large family ( albeit one that is stretched to the four winds and back again.) I was struck by the the ease with which everyone settled in with each other, whether we were seeing old friends or meeting new ones for the first time; there was a sense of comfort and familiarity from the oldies down to the babies!
Having been on the planning committee we knew that people would want to spend as much time as possible chatting and catching up or getting acquainted with each other so only a few actual events/activities were planned. (In hindsight we might have extended the reunion a few more days! just a note for those planning the next one in Australia)
The best thing for me was being able to share the memories and bonds that drew us all together in the first place. And then link them to the present. As MK's and TCKs our lives are often dualized (or cut into more pieces). We have these pocket of time and experiences scattered by geography that we often compartmentalize as a transition mechanism for when we move into a new cultural or geographic region. It is a way to "fit in" or be seen as "normal". What a joy it was to be in a group of people where those walls/divisions were not up. We could be unguarded with our hearts and know that we really were being understood and known. The reunion really was a return trip "home". As TCK's we know that "home" is when we are with each other.
Whether you reading this and were there at the reunion or are one of the ones we missed being together with (this time). You know there is nothing that made us more like family than living for years in a country not completely our own and in tight quarters during some of the most formative stages of life.
As I reflect over the cultural diversity and countries/areas represented in our group. England, Holland, Norway, Northern Ireland, Switzerland, countries in Africa, Christmas Island, Canada, Australia, S. Korea, USA, (please for give me if I neglected to mention your country) I see that no mater where we went to after VIS, we all adapted and yet the significance of our boarding school years has remained very much alive in us.
I am so glad that the reunion was a place where we didn't put our school on a pedestal and just shared the good/happy memories. There were some crappy/horrible experiences that sprang from living life together like that also. It is the whole spectrum of experience that made our school what it was.
To you who lived VIS with me and to all those that came before me and after me, Thanks for being part of my family for all these years!
What made it soo good you might ask?
It was like being with a closely knit extra large family ( albeit one that is stretched to the four winds and back again.) I was struck by the the ease with which everyone settled in with each other, whether we were seeing old friends or meeting new ones for the first time; there was a sense of comfort and familiarity from the oldies down to the babies!
Having been on the planning committee we knew that people would want to spend as much time as possible chatting and catching up or getting acquainted with each other so only a few actual events/activities were planned. (In hindsight we might have extended the reunion a few more days! just a note for those planning the next one in Australia)
The best thing for me was being able to share the memories and bonds that drew us all together in the first place. And then link them to the present. As MK's and TCKs our lives are often dualized (or cut into more pieces). We have these pocket of time and experiences scattered by geography that we often compartmentalize as a transition mechanism for when we move into a new cultural or geographic region. It is a way to "fit in" or be seen as "normal". What a joy it was to be in a group of people where those walls/divisions were not up. We could be unguarded with our hearts and know that we really were being understood and known. The reunion really was a return trip "home". As TCK's we know that "home" is when we are with each other.
Whether you reading this and were there at the reunion or are one of the ones we missed being together with (this time). You know there is nothing that made us more like family than living for years in a country not completely our own and in tight quarters during some of the most formative stages of life.
As I reflect over the cultural diversity and countries/areas represented in our group. England, Holland, Norway, Northern Ireland, Switzerland, countries in Africa, Christmas Island, Canada, Australia, S. Korea, USA, (please for give me if I neglected to mention your country) I see that no mater where we went to after VIS, we all adapted and yet the significance of our boarding school years has remained very much alive in us.
I am so glad that the reunion was a place where we didn't put our school on a pedestal and just shared the good/happy memories. There were some crappy/horrible experiences that sprang from living life together like that also. It is the whole spectrum of experience that made our school what it was.
To you who lived VIS with me and to all those that came before me and after me, Thanks for being part of my family for all these years!
Monday, July 12, 2010
In anticipation of a reunion
How do you feel when an event is just around the corner that is the culmination of years of planning and dreaming? I am heading into such an event in the next few days... I am filled with excitement, anticipation, and have a few butterflies in my stomach!
You see, it is a reunion of old friends and soon to be new friends that are all linked by a single fact.
We went to the same boarding school for a few years of our lives and can never return to that school as it has been closed for some 9 years now. From almost every continent we gathered during those school years just as we are soon to do again. Every generation has sent at least one representative. What an amazing gathering it will be.
My excitement and anticipation and butterflies all point to this reunion. As a member of the planning committee, I, along with the other members of the planning committee have spent time and effort to put this event together. I wonder, will it live up to my expectations? And to my dreams of reconnection with members of my boarding school family? and to the experiences of a childhood long gone?
Well... In a few days I'll know!
I have been blessed in many ways in my life. One of the most profound of those ways was the experience of growing up on two continents and between two countries and a mix of cultures that shaped who I am today.
Africa and North America are the continents that both beckon to my soul. At boarding school in Africa, filled with such a rich cultural mix from every continent, I learned that where we are "from" has a shaping effect on each of us that colors the way we interpret what our brain perceives from what our eyes can see. It taught me that there is beauty in the global cultural diversity and strength in our unity. When you play side by side with kids of every human skin color and live side by side a melding takes place. Understanding, awareness and appreciation of our differences and of our shared experience becomes a connecting force.
Why am I and my friends making the journey of thousands of miles to sit and chat or embrace each other face to face again after all these years apart? It is because at our roots we are connected by our common experience of having shared life together in some of the most formative stages of our lives.
I am stoked to see what this next week brings... I am going to do my best to let my expectations go and just enjoy the moment by moment.
I am SO looking forward to this wonderful gathering of amazing people that have contributed to my journey to discovering a full life!!
You see, it is a reunion of old friends and soon to be new friends that are all linked by a single fact.
We went to the same boarding school for a few years of our lives and can never return to that school as it has been closed for some 9 years now. From almost every continent we gathered during those school years just as we are soon to do again. Every generation has sent at least one representative. What an amazing gathering it will be.
My excitement and anticipation and butterflies all point to this reunion. As a member of the planning committee, I, along with the other members of the planning committee have spent time and effort to put this event together. I wonder, will it live up to my expectations? And to my dreams of reconnection with members of my boarding school family? and to the experiences of a childhood long gone?
Well... In a few days I'll know!
I have been blessed in many ways in my life. One of the most profound of those ways was the experience of growing up on two continents and between two countries and a mix of cultures that shaped who I am today.
Africa and North America are the continents that both beckon to my soul. At boarding school in Africa, filled with such a rich cultural mix from every continent, I learned that where we are "from" has a shaping effect on each of us that colors the way we interpret what our brain perceives from what our eyes can see. It taught me that there is beauty in the global cultural diversity and strength in our unity. When you play side by side with kids of every human skin color and live side by side a melding takes place. Understanding, awareness and appreciation of our differences and of our shared experience becomes a connecting force.
Why am I and my friends making the journey of thousands of miles to sit and chat or embrace each other face to face again after all these years apart? It is because at our roots we are connected by our common experience of having shared life together in some of the most formative stages of our lives.
I am stoked to see what this next week brings... I am going to do my best to let my expectations go and just enjoy the moment by moment.
I am SO looking forward to this wonderful gathering of amazing people that have contributed to my journey to discovering a full life!!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Time on my mind
The last time I set my fingers to these keys and at this space I was looking forward to 2010 and what it held in store. Now as I sit to write half of 2010 is behind us! Time has a way of changing just about everything. Time offers the opportunity to stand back and see where this journey has taken me. I have taken the road less traveled. I have been able to rediscover a buried joy. Part of discovering a full life is discovering what bring joy and passion to our hearts. One of the things that brings me to life is movement. I am energized by putting my body in motion. Active sports that challenge my body and mind are such a joy! In the last six months I have retuned to a childhood passion, with and adult twist. I have retuned to the roller skating rink after 15+ years away and found my niche as skating ref for Womens Flat Track Roller Derby! Roller Derby is a hoot and a half!! :) It also reminds me that time has done a number on my body and I'm not as young and indestructible as I used to think I was. The other active pursuit I have taken up is weight lifting in the gym. The gym also reminded me of the passage of time, it takes me longer to recover from pulled muscles and pinched nerves! Even pulled muscles and such haven't kept me
from my passion for dancing, yep the music makes my body move! :)
Time has also given me some perspective on my inner life and the relationships that have come and gone in my life. I've come to realize that the heart is a finicky thing. And that what one wants changes with the seasons. I want someone to share life with yet I love my independence and individuality. I'm still learning where the balance is. I am too intense at the beginning of relationships and then pull back too far taking myself out of emotional reach. I sometimes wonder if I'm emotionally/relationally broken. I'm striving for balance, yet I feel like I take one step forward and then one step back when interacting with those I care about. I keep them and myself just out of reach.
Time has mellowed me somewhat but I've always been a guy that jumped first and asked questions later... I wonder if time will ever change that
What has time taught you?
I think I'm a little farther down the road to discovering a full life
from my passion for dancing, yep the music makes my body move! :)
Time has also given me some perspective on my inner life and the relationships that have come and gone in my life. I've come to realize that the heart is a finicky thing. And that what one wants changes with the seasons. I want someone to share life with yet I love my independence and individuality. I'm still learning where the balance is. I am too intense at the beginning of relationships and then pull back too far taking myself out of emotional reach. I sometimes wonder if I'm emotionally/relationally broken. I'm striving for balance, yet I feel like I take one step forward and then one step back when interacting with those I care about. I keep them and myself just out of reach.
Time has mellowed me somewhat but I've always been a guy that jumped first and asked questions later... I wonder if time will ever change that
What has time taught you?
I think I'm a little farther down the road to discovering a full life
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